The Four Types of Affairs, from Ask the Experts panelist John ...

The Four Types of Affairs, from Ask the Experts panelist John Thurman

Fourth in a series titled, ?Affair-Proof Your Relationship?

Ask the Experts | John Thurman

Dave Carder, my mentor, friend and author (?Close Calls? and ?Torn Asunder?) has identified four distinct types of affairs. In my own counseling practice, I have found that these descriptions help me and my clients get a better idea of how an affair developed and how it ended. Knowing a little about these styles or types may help you see where you are might be at risk for falling into an affair.

The One-Night Stand

It is normally unplanned. Many times it involves people who didn?t really know each other prior to the affair. It is usually very secretive and more often than not comes as a result of alcohol consumption. There is usually little or no emotional involvement, it is self-serving and it does not come with a desire to maintain any type of closeness. Our sexually saturated culture feeds on this type of affair. It is this type of affair that usually results in immediate and intense remorse.

The Entangled Affair

This type of affair, which I see a lot, develops gradually. The emotional involvement is intense and may last for a year or two. The sexual activity is not immediate, as with the one-night stand, but occurs later in the relationship, after a friendship is clearly established. The individuals involved in this type of relationship usually know each other before it heats up. Sometimes it can be a neighbor, co-worker, church member or a mutual friend; other times an old flame. Because of the depth of the relationship, recovery, if it occurs, will take longer.

Sexual Addiction

This type of affair often starts in childhood or early adolescents with inappropriate sexual exposure. It will eventually develop into a pattern of ritualistic acting out. It is a sex-only experience that is never satisfied. It is not about emotional attachment and is self-serving. It is another outcome of a culture that has become overly focused on sexuality. It is essentially an attempt to self-medicate shame, anxiety and depression.

When women experience this, they will tend to eat. When men feel this way, they will tend to act out sexually. This can lead to pornography, use of prostitutes and multiple affairs. Treatment usually involves some type of ?step work,? as well as individual and couple?s counseling. This is a very tough one to work on and recover from.

The Add-On Affair

This type of affair occurs to fill a specific void. It develops when a spouse shares an emotionally satisfying experience with an acquaintance because his/her spouse has no interest in participating in this activity. It starts off as platonic, like a club, a ministry team or a common leisure pursuit. They rarely meet outside of the experience they find so satisfying, and they consider each other as friends, not lovers. Although sexual activity is often infrequent and dissatisfying to one partner, it is often provided out of obligation or maintaining the friendship. In my own practice I am seeing this type of an affair as a growing trend.

Next week: How to Recover from an Affair

If you have any questions or comments, feel free to email me john@johnthurman.net.

Keep eye and your heart on your relationships,

John

? 2012 John Thurman

Ask the Experts panelist John Thurman is a licensed marriage and family therapist with Christian Therapy Services in Albuquerque. Find him at johnthurman.net.

To ask John a question, type your question in the comments field below. Or email your question to john@johnthurman.net or sage@abqjournal.com.

About John Thurman

John is seasoned, licensed counselor with more than 35 years of experience helping individuals, couples and families ?Get a Grip on Life? by using a practical, forward-looking style that blends the principles of positive psychology with a down-to-earth, common sense approach. John and his wife have been on their own relationship adventure for the past 40 years.

?While we have no control over the past we do have control over our future? is his motto.

Disclaimer: Articles posted by John Thurman are not intended to in any way be a substitute for professional help.

Filed under Ask the Experts, Blogs, John Thurman, marriage therapist, Top Items ? Tagged with affair, affair-proof, Ask the Experts, Close Calls, Dave Carder, John Thurman, one-night stand, sexual addiction, Torn Asunder

Source: http://www.abqjournalsage.com/2012/08/29/headline-42/

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